Storm

Some days it's stormy inside. Friends become threats, what if they notice how I'm feeling? How could I possibly explain, so as to be understood? If I can sit alone at home, it's safer for all of my relationships.

Fragility: one single word could make me tip over to the other side of the mountain, and more often than not I hear a lot of words. Emotions are extreme and I try to keep them invisible. I think, I'll sort through them later, when I'm alone.

My friends speak, they know, they remember, they've studied and read. Most of them even have proof of their knowledge on official sounding documents. They know what's going on here and there in the world, and they will talk about it.

I went to school too. My master's degree isn't on paper though: it was never printed. I got interrupted in my research process, and no professor gave me any diploma for exploring my own past and understanding the unthinkable. I have no proof for my education.

I am a post trauma source of information, nothing usually comes out of it, every useful thing I've learned in my life is locked up somewhere with the lessons in terror and cruelty.

And I don't enjoy sitting there and listening to a conversation I know I should have something to share about, and being incapable of thinking of anything to say.

I am not the friendly ignorant sitting there.

August 5

I'm enthusiastic about the life-spanning method now that I know a little bit more about it. Just the principle of it is helpful in everyday anxiety about past trauma, for example:

Last night I couldn't sleep. I was having flashbacks about things I don't quite remember (and I wish I did, but I never get to the important part of the memory), and starting to feel unsafe and horribly uncomfortable. So I rembered a basic technique that I'd read about on the Life-Spanning website, and used it to help myself back to the present: I visualised several memory cues of the many years following that event all the way to the present, which took a long time, but when I was done I felt better and fell sound asleep. The method did its job, showing my mind and body that many years had passed and I was now in a safe place.

Today I told my therapist about the second part of my traumas, which took most of the session time. I talked about my experience of what I call the void, which I encountered when I was 5 after the first of a series of extremely violent assaults.

Religion (Christianity) is an important part of my inner life, although I'm not practising. I believe in somekind of afterlife, and I believe in the existence of something greater than what we could possibly fathom. And yet after that episode, as a child who was going to Catholic school, I walked around with a big question mark above my head.

The place I ended up in while trying to escape my body while I was being raped frightened me for many years by its mere existence. The void has no light, no colors, not a soul, not even a sense of self. It is inconceivably empty. There isn't even air to breathe.

You would think that if such a place exists, and innocent children can be sent there, nothing in this world makes any sense. This is one more thing I work hard to keep out of my consciousness, and that contributes to draining me of my energy. What is the meaning of all this?

Thanks for reading my uplifting updates :-)

July 29

I'm feeling better and yet it's very unstable. How much am I supposed to lie to myself to be able to live this life? Sometimes I'm just angry, but most of the time I just try not to think about it.

There are 2 ways of looking at things. Either you keep yourself so busy you don't have time to worry, or... you sit down and think about it, hoping it will eventually go away if you do. I have yet to be convinced that it will.

The counselor I'm seeing told me about a different way of handling past trauma: it's called life-spanning (I think). Does anyone of you know about it? Has anybody ever used it to deal with childhood trauma? 

July 22

This is the beginning of a new therapy about the same old thing.

So today, unlike my usual 1st session with a new therapist, I didn't go into details about my childhood. It takes forever and can be done later. I just told her that I suffered severe abuse as a child, and trauma.

I focused on relationships issues as an adult. Mentioned my marriage and divorce, and the fact that my ex was verbally and physically violent in general, if not to me personnally yet.

Then I talked about my current relationship, and the way I am feeling right now. The fast move-in, my financial dependency, his co-dependency, our Monday night argument, our friends who left.

I talked about my fear of the relationship becoming bad, and of being trapped in a dangerous place.

She asked if it was worth taking the risk, and I said yes. I should mention my boyfriend is the first person I've been with that I feel I can relate to and who can relate to me, for the most part. And we love eachother, as far as I know.

Then the work is going to be to help me feel and be safe in this relationship. To do this, I need to have support, and it takes work on my part to maintain a security net. It involves keeping my friends and my personal space and time, hopefully getting a job that would get me out of the house and give me some financial freedom should I ever need to leave.

One thing that prevents me from finding the right job is my lack of energy and fatigue issues, which are due to my stress level being high at all times. She suggested an adrenal assist supplement to help with that.

It's only the beginning, again. I'm working full time on my own well-being... Hopefully it pays off eventually.

I need to vent

You don't have to read this, I just need to write it. If you are sensitive, please don't look at what I'm going to write.

I am in a new relationship. About 6 months. My boyfriend is extremely considerate and loving, he does everything he can to satisfy me.

And I'm scared to death.

Here's some background information:

I wasn't even 3 when I experienced my first sexual assault, and was made responsible for my 7 year old sister's being assaulted too. An uncle.

I was 5 when I got raped in a way that just about killed me, bled for days after that, and it happened again many times till I began having my period 7 years later. My grand father didn't want to risk getting me pregnant like he had my mom when she was 12, and have to get a discreet abortion again, pretending it was a peritonitis.

As a child, I barely ate anything, sometimes I could barely walk because I was too skinny and my legs were shaking, and my tummy was as big as a giant pumpkin because I had chronical constipation. I was also most likely invisible, because no-one really tried to figure out what was causing all that.

As a young adult, I did a lot of work to remember, aknowledge,  express, feel and overcome. As much as you can actually overcome certain things.

I then married a man quite accidentally, as I was trying to get away. Thanks to him, I moved really far away. But I didn't trust him for a second, and I now know that I was right to leave him after 3 years, as he turned out to be a somewhat abusive man. Meaning he hated everyone and everything, especially my friends, he was very controlling and I never had a say in any decisions, he also got very jealous and upset if I ever seemed happy. He was verbally (and sometimes physically) violent to other people, and liked to punch, kick and throw objects. I figured I would be next, so I divorced him.

Now, 3 years later, I've finally met a good man. But... is he really?

I've just read Leandrea's times on PNN, and her list of signs frightened me. The rush factor (he gave me his keys on the 3rd date, offered that I moved in with him 2 weeks later, and I did so after 2 months, talking about marriage and kids)... the co-dependency (he never wants to do things without me, and is really sad when I do)... the gift showers (a car, a recording studio, trips)... the isolation (he isn't very social)... trying so hard to make sure he's the best I could ever want...

Are they part of a normal relationship? Or am I dealing with an intelligent man, unlike my ex who was so easy to read...

I am freaking out today... Anyone could help?